Miracle Drug

I'm just very depressed. I miss the person I was-optimistic, caring, reasonable. When I tried to make everyone laugh, I turned myself into a clown. That I am. I'm just talking a friend online right now. She goes to U of San Fran now and we used to be in the same high school. She's right. Nobody takes anyone seriously in America. America itself is a joke. It's not everything-the Valley girls, southern hospitality, sunset boulevard, Vegas Sin... There's more to life than that. Now, who takes who seriously? Do I care if Paris Hilton is friends with Nicole? Do I care if the girl living on third floor Paterson is annoying n obnoxious? I don't. Do I care if I have friends that listen attentively when I don't say a word? Hell yeah, I fuckin' do. Do I care what Americans think? Hells no. Life's a joke and living is a game. The game's on with dice rolling and football throwing. Yeah, life's a game. Now play it, bitches.

Sitting down by my laptop with hands tapping gently on the keyboard, my mind seems scrambled up. In two days, I'll be packing up my sweet and comfortable life at home for another exciting yet unknow ride, full of adventures I may or may not be ready for. Met up with a few pals from HS (some were pretty good friends) the day before yesterday and it just occurred to me that a lot of people have changed. Well, obviously, it's unnatural and uncommon for someone to remain the same for two yrs but I just coudn't help thinking about how much people could change in just two years. But yet something wasn't too different, which is the friendship distilled over the yrs in high school. When we met up, the same old familiar face struck up and I was like "Damn. That's the dude sitting right behind me. Fun times..." Suddenly, the song "Seasons in the sun" by Westlife started echoing, "We had joy. We had fun. We had seasons in the sun. But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time." Yeah, those were the good old days, and I figure if they'll come back. I remember when I was in junior high, after finishing the private tutoring session I would at times go with Maria and DanDan to the reservoir near by. We would climb up the hills and strolled along the pathways hidden beneath the umbrella-shaped canopy of lychee trees. We would run down the slope like a gust of wind, experiencing the joy of almost being able to fly if we'd had wings. We would hang in the Carrefour Mall and buy drinks to cheer for the joy of life. Those unerased memories always have a place in my heart, even if they sometimes are clad in the dust of sorrow. I just visited my HS pal Celia's blog and she quoted a few good lines from a magazine. I found a line that might seem a bit cliche but it speaks the truth harshly yet sincerely. "Don't let the past hold you back; you're missing the good stuff." I'm actually someone who's a bit nostalgic of the past. That's one of the soft spots I have. I know I'm gonna have to move on if not at all times, most of the time. Sharon and Maria told me many times that I'd have to look ahead instead of always looking in the rear view mirror. At times, looking at the rear view mirror will help one see through one's past so he can move ahead with a clarified goal and firm determination. So I'm gonna grow up trying to be someone like that. Last semester was a bit too much (I know I know), I'm hoping for a smoother and more serious ride for next semester, an academic-centered semester. I guess I should start packing now. Gonna miss you all, buddies. Sharon, Maria, thanks for being there always, as a beacon of light.

I've been listening "Still Fighting it" by Ben Folds lately. I haven't been doing much lately and I guess I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm just counting down the days till I can fly home. I miss everything from home. And I particularly hate summer school now to the nth degree. Things are far too complicated to handle at this point and I'm just giving up. I'm ready to let go and start new again. Yeah, "everybody knows it hurts to grow up". Now I know how much it hurts. I'm not much less confused as I've always been. I need to find my way. Where is the light?

Chris is figuring how to not hate "mouse" and Lynn is still bitter about "beaver" while I've been figuring out myself. We're all different but we're all the same in a different sense when we're all trying to untie the knot that has been strangling us all along. I guess in order to move along, we have to learn to let go first. It's something that we know that will make us feel better about ourselves but we just never are capable of coming to the point where we can be like "Whatev, dude, get over it." I mean we try, we stumble and we still get bitter afterwards. But at least the whole trying-to-get-over-things process brings us closer to attaining a clearer mindset so we can come closer to where we wanna be without frustrating ourselves too much afterwards had we been stuck at the same point not being able to and not willing to move on. That's kinda like the point of life, isn't it? Always move on.

I finally got to call my parents this weekend. I was woken up around 12PM by my parents and then I ignored the phone calls. When I got up around 2PM and checked my voicemail, my mom was half-jokingly sayinig that she was gonna discontinue being my mom unless I call her back within 24 hrs. Lol, that was quite amusing. What's funnier is that I figured my mom & dad probably had freaked out when they heard my greetings for voicemail. One of my goofy friends, who's a crazy asian with a british accent in America, yelled to my phone the other day and recorded some crazy ass noise whatever. My mom was totally amused by that. The weekend that just passed by was basically hanging out, doing homework. I seriously think I should cut down a bit on my social life or else my academics are gonna be at the brink of plunging into a new low. Tonight, ha, definitely is reserved for studies. Maybe I can take an hour break hangin' out? Oh, I think I gotta go, cos my laundry's still in Bruff Commons. I don't want anyone to steal my laundry, bitches. Have a fabulous day!